(His failure to ring in the rapture with trumpets is obviously YOUR failure too.)

I don't know, kill an atheist and chattelize their kids, or something.

But be sure to read this Saturday evening post first thing this Sunday morning, and remember,
Gesus* loves you and, via his great steward, needs your help!
As a true American, you may be asking yourself, given all the success President Bush has enjoyed during his first 63 months in office, what more could we possibly expect from The Second-Greatest President Ever©? In response to that truly, truly stupid question, I point to a bumper sticker I recently saw (and really, is there anything in the whole of human wisdom that can’t be summed up on a decal?) that read, “In case of Rapture, this car will be unoccupied.” Folks, despite all that our dedicated Decider has given us…and he has given us (and by “us,” I mean rich white men like myself) soooo much, he has thus far, I regret to say, failed to let slip the Four Horsemen. His best efforts aside, the sun has yet to be turned as black as sackcloth, and the moon, much to our dismay, has not taken on an acceptable blood-like hue (Revelation 6:12.) And, seriously, in the name of Timothy LaHaye, where are the goddamn trumpets?!? Call me a doubting Thomas…and I’ll kick your ass 2 ways to Sunday if you do…but when I entrusted the unstoppable duo of evangelical Christianity and Republican “can-do” spirit with the stewardship of my beloved country, I expected apocalyptic results!

[Read the rest, patriots!]

* Someone really needs to de-Jew our Lord God's name. Don'tchyathink?


  1. Hey Mr. Bains, thanks for plugging Rex. I wish you would jump into our banter there!! its all in good fun after all, and you seem like you can play in a sandbox.

  2. By there, I mean Blue Republic. And maybe the "plugging Rex" part could be misinterpreted...

  3. Give Bush a little more time and I'm sure he'll deliver on that apocalypse thing.


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