Tell Me About It: Let time tell if nice guy is more than just toast

Dear Carolyn: I met the king of the nice guys recently and started dating him. He is sweet and kind and sensitive; you get the idea. He remembers even the smallest of details about me and never stops surprising me with flowers or cards, etc. He's made himself totally available to me and seems to be hiding nothing. So why, then, am I not attracted to him? Why would I rather be with a jerk who treats me like he couldn't care less, is evasive as hell, hardly ever keeps his word or is always too busy doing something else? I like him sooooo much and I've even been praying to be more attracted to him, but what gives? Why can't I like him the way I do the men I should hate? -- D.C.

Dear D.C.: Look at it this way. If you did like this guy, people would accuse you of falling for the first guy who was nice to you.

I realize it's axiomatic that women aren't attracted to nice guys, but that doesn't mean you aren't. (Or that women aren't, but that's another column.) Could be you're just not attracted to this nice guy.

You also could be acting on a number of mistaken impressions -- confusing danger with chemistry or crushes with lasting attraction. Or, confusing the desire for a mate with being mature enough for one. You could be confusing "sweet and kind and sensitive" with "dry toast."

The only answer is time. Give nice guys time so you can see if sparks develop -- since sparks are essential, but not always there at first sight. Give yourself time to get to know people slowly, or just to grow up; mature women aren't the ones tempted by jerks.

If there's a trick to it -- and how can there be, with something so complex as feelings -- it's in distinguishing actual promise from wishful thinking and false hopes.

Promise is when you're excited to talk to a guy when he calls; an intellectual connection can grow into a physical buzz.

Kidding yourself is when you wish you were excited when he called -- or, at the other extreme, when you're more excited by the fact of the call than by the conversation itself. For better or worse, time takes care of these, too.
There's a minor, but apparently common, annoyance in the lyrics linked by this post's title:


I scoped 4 different Lyric Sites and the ALL had that listed. It's freakin' incredibly wrong.

Find the tune and listen closely. What Axel actually, and quite clearly, says is


I could be wrong, but ... naaaahhhh... It ain't likely on this one. What song are these transcribers listening to?

Well, I s'pose the real reason I'm pickin' that nit, is because I do tend to let my 'motions occlude my reason in matters o' the heart. But, come on! Don't most people? Makes me wish I were more like the guy in an upcoming lyrics post. Not nice. Not nice at all. Appropriate, maybe, but...

{sigh} And I wonder why I'm still single . . .



  1. I don't know, Mr. Bains, it seems that it is more than just a woman confusing danger with a crush or the dry toast thing. Women seem to disrespect men that treat them well, for whatever reason. Like they feel undeserving.

    But the point about maturity is well said. Sometimes forcing one's self to commit or "settle down" is feeding into "supposed to" thinking that just does not match what we are ready for. I say self honesty is needed and if a person is sorting through so many things, they probably would be wise to wait. Why always this hurry to end the search? Why not look until its right? This business of forcing love is absurd. Just my two cents as a woman!!!

  2. Thanks for the deposit, Siren.

    I never did post the lyrics to Mail Man which I was gonna post.

    I'd rather enjoy searching, and leave some of the past behind.


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