Life Changes Everything
Here's the email.
Howdy Mr ThomasMy stomach ache is startin' to go away, but there's almost as much self-recrimination as relief for the decision. I do hope to get beyond this kind of frustration and think this was the right way to go right now.
It's been extremely difficult but I've had to decide to rescind my decision to attend Norwhich in the fall.
I've dealth with emotional difficulties, anxiety and panic attacks, for the majority of my 40 years and, while I've made much progress in overcoming such attacks, I've also learned when I must simply move away from any precise cause. When I can't even take a simple phonecall, I know that the battle with my anxiety is lost, and must be dealth with accordingly. Despite the irrationality of this psychological condition, it is an emminently rational decision I have made to halt the process immediately.
I understand that my $50 App fee is non-refundable, and assure you that it was worth it to me as motivation to seriously consider such a proposition as attendance in Norwhich's online program.
I do wish it was otherwise, but it is not.
Thank you for you efforts on my behalf, and feel to respond or not. I cannot change my mind at this point in my life. I also sincerely assure you that I would choose to go forward in the application process if there were any way for me to do so and hope I will be ready for such this time next year.
Thanks again
Michael Bains
My future isn't any clearer, but it feels as if I've still plenty of time to make it a good one. The blog is going a little better than I ever imagined it really would. That's completely cool and refreshing. My love life on the other hand... LOL! whatever.
The worst part is finding out that my step kid is strugglin' with grades and down to one friend at school; and she's been asked - her friend - to find another school for next year.
And that's the thing that I think is keeping my view of the future still so
Blurry.That's a sappy, codependant, effed up bit o' pop rock-n-roll there, but the melody, music, and the sentiment - Scantlin wrote it for his kid and the kid's mom - all speak really freakin' well to where I'm at right now.
Written by Wes ScantlinEverything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawlAnd you could be my someone
You can be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in-between us
But that's not very farCan you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
There's no-one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cos I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawlAnd you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in-between us
But that's not very farCan you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to meNobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to meYou take it all
Can you take it all away
Explain it again to me
You take it all away
Explain again to me
Take it all away
Explain again to me ...
I promise, and assure myself, that I will get over it.
Jesus Mike, you are too tightly wrapped!
ReplyDeleteI think I've mentioned before I'm nit good on empathy, so when your talk of anxiety attacks and panic attacks it goes WOOSH over my head.
But . . . every time I've had problems in the past (usually financial, sometimes emotional) it always works out OK in the end.
I look back now on the things that once kept me awake at night and think "what was that all about?"
I have 2 philosophies for life and they are both pretty slack. The first is - "It'll do for now" and the second is "What's the worst that could happen"
Often once you visualise the worst possible outcome, you find its not so bad after all. And then the worst outcome never comes around anyway!! (mostly!)
ps the Sherrod Brown (who he?) for US Senate graphic is a bit big and throwing all the blog stuff on the right to the end of the blog
ReplyDeleteI'm using Explorer 6 on Windows XP
Jesus Mike, you are too tightly wrapped!
ReplyDeleteLOL! TELL me about it! Like a freakin' babe in swaddlin' clothes amigo. Read as: someone wrapped me; emotionally controlled & engulfed me, and that just denied me the chance to learn how to emotionally mature in some rather fundamental ways.
Only this "babe" is 40 years old and actually does some of those things to "unwind" you've included. Otherwise ... {shakin'head} Let's just say I wouldn't be bloggin' 'bout it; or doin' anything else, for that matter.
Believe me Stew, things have been worse for me. They've been better also, but this is a setback, but I'm still not as bad as I used to be or as some perenially unemployable folks I've met in my attempts to just get the freak over it.
One positive thing: after writing that email to the school, I found a Time-Line I'd written for myself (unsprisingly covered in post-it notes,) and on it I planned to wait until next January to apply to Grad School. That's another "unwinder" I need to stick with: stickin' to my game plans when I actually make them.
---
And Sherrod is one of those guys I kinda grew up around; a career politician who's got great ideas muddied by the fact that they've chosen a Party Line to walk, even though it was their individual qualities that made them so good for the cause. He's a good guy but, as the WaPo story says, he can be even more to the left than my childhood hero, Kucinich.
I'll see if I can tweek that Brown pic, too.
Dude, thanks for spittin' it out like that Stew. If I don't agree with someone's opinion or input after hearing it, I'll ignore it or crack on 'em. As Effed-up as it may sometimes be, I'm gonna be me no matter what. It's the only way I know to shake off the effects of ill-prepared and unskilled "swaddling". 3 years of anti-D's were just about worthless in that fight so, unless the Medico's come up with something better than Paxil, et al, a'drugless I will go.
adieu
Mike,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your decision to back out of Grad school. I understand what it's like to recongize when you might get yourself in over your head.
(i've been asked several times to run for school committee - but with Number 2 the way he is, I knew it would be too much - and I really wanted to run for office.)
Take the time between now and January (your original plan) and heal some more. I suspect, like me, blogging for you is a way of healing - so I expect to see more insighful posts from you. (no pressure :-)
Mark
Thanks ARB. I can relate to your not runnin' for office all too well. I hope you get to do it someday not too distant.
ReplyDeleteThis particular degree would've been a Master of Arts in Diplomacy. The point being to practice my Public raison d'etre of finding common ground between widely divergent approaches to political problems.
As you suggest, January is a ways away, so I've still plenty of time to toss around Sociology, Economics and, yes, Diplomacy - or something similar - before ploppin' down a ton o' ca$h and hoping I can wrangle a paying career outta me efforts.
For now, bein' a PC Support monkey keeps me busy, paid and, quite frankly, laughin' alot, both with and at my fellow silly humans.
Hi Michael,
ReplyDeleteNot to get too personal here -- tell me to *blog off* -- ha! if you don't want to answer.
You said you tried Paxil and it didn't work. Have you tried others? Zoloft, etc? My husband sufferes from anxiety -- so, I know it's not something you can just say -- "get over it." -- he *scans* to have something to worry about. Or used to, I should say.
You seemed to make a decision that was good for you -- and that's good.
blog off Heheh.. I like that!
ReplyDeleteThere's an Incubus song called "Say what you will, Say what you mean" which applies here BG.
You could never offend
Your dirty words
Come out Clean
In other words, thank you and no worries.
But yah, I've tried other stuff. I've promised me that I will again, if I see something which appears to break new ground or take a different or statistically more efficacious tack.
In the meantime, I'll slog on. Life is great usually. It's just that when it's really bad, it's that way because of where it's bad. Ie, what part of my life it is affecting.
Blog on! lol
I was gonna post a comment earlier but I didn't want to do the "you should/i would" thing. It took a moment to know what to say and it's really just a warning..
ReplyDeleteBe careful about posting to many post like this cause you are gonna have the thumpers coming out of the woodwork with, "Have you professed the Lord as your personal savior?" and "I'll pray for you."
They don't need much ammunition.
Your comments are always so cool and much appreciated Tonya.
ReplyDeleteNo worries on that score either though. Not for me anyhow. For one, they can "pray" for me all they want. It's irksome to deal with folk sayin' such silliness regularly, but, on the hand, sometimes it feels good to know they care in their own ineffectual way.
Also, I do so LOVE when the JW's or Mormon's come a knockin' at my door. It's a joy to confound, or at least scare them, with the contents of their own "Good" Book.
{shudder}
Talk about murky and mixed messages! el Biblo practically defines ambiguity. LOL!
Nice posts on Love lately, btw m'Lady. Sorry I di'n't feel up to leavin' a comment. I's just a tough topic for me right now, eh.
When the JW's come knockin', just tell 'em your an apostate. Freaks them out every time. Especially if you answer the door naked...
ReplyDelete.. or in a bra 'n' panties.
ReplyDeleteerrrmmm... I mean, or so I'd imagine!
Ya Cace! {-;