What Do I Want?

THAT is the question which I seem to have the most difficulty answering; at least in a manner which produces ideas for actual goals and plans on how to reach 'em.

It all seems so simple. LOL! So I've tried memes and meditation and tricks and gimmicks and just plain grinding my nose against the stone. (unpleasant that last one, wot?) When I was a kid, even into my agnostic High School years, I used to pray for "guidance" a lot. Uh, yeah... Well that wasn't cuttin' it either.

Here's a quote that frames my difficulty nicely:

"What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists and it becomes available only when a man/woman is in that state of mind in which he knows exactly what he wants and is fully determined not to quit until he finds it."
~ Alexander Graham Bell
That's curtesy of one of those gimmicks I'm trying. It's called TQ (Total Quality) and, I don't know, I've got a feeling it might work if I could work up the enthusiasm to implement it. At this point, it's more like one of those 12 Step Group Daily Affirmations booklettes or even my experience with Paxil. I was at max dosage for Paxil for over 2 years and, while I was kinda glad it was there, it never really did the trick.

I hate this, and I keep thinking that it just comes down to busting butt to change the way I am.

Damn but a little external motivation would sho' help right now. I'm really not feeling anything much in the way of internal motivation or inspiration though ...



  1. I took a kick-ass combination of serzone and clonopin for a few years. Paxil almost drove me insane. Couldn't take it. It helps me sometimes to remember that everything is temporary - even feeling shitty.

    Hang in there, man.

  2. Some great kick-starters I use:

    An ice cold rince after a hot shower (I start off with my legs and work my way up slowly)

    A good long cry releases some backed up psychic stuff

    A feel-good movie or comedy

    re-reading an old favorite book from childhood while tucked in a blankie

    small talk at the corner store with a total stranger about nothing in particular

    playing with my pets always cheers me up

    trying a new recipe

    a bubble bath!

    thrashing to hardcore music in private releases tension

    punching pillows does too

    envisioning some goal or destination can creat a ense of purpose- like planning a party or outing a few months in advance

    but the best is by far sobbing like an infant untill the tears stop- to sad music or a sad movie

    hope they're not too sappy


  3. Howdy Bird. Yeah, I took a "sabatical" from work while on it, but my life Before & After Paxil seems fairly neutral. You know, no major difference. Given a choice, I'd prefer neither! {sigh} LOL!

    But I'm hangin' in Bird. Thank ya Lady.

    playing with my pets always cheers me up

    trying a new recipe

    It struck me a little hard that you put those two together Fawna. Yesterday I picked up my roommate's mewling cat (she likes the dogs that just went back "home" after 3 weeks here a lot less than me) and just scratched her head for a few. I kept wanting to just put her down, but really, what the hekk else was I gonna do? Go worry 'bout crap? I always forget until I'm there again; sometimes even with good things. So I pet the cat for 15 minutes or so. It helped. Of course.

    But it struck me hard cuz cooking is the same thing. I love it! I just never feel like doing it. Playing guitars too.

    I think you're right 'bout "the best" kick-starters though. The last few months of marriage, I found myself thoroughly enjoying some tear-jerkers (Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Pay it Forward...) more than I could really tell why.


    Just seeing my now-former family has simply sucked this holiday season. And all I can do is pick me up and move on. So I'm movin' on.

    How's that for "too sappy"? {-;

  4. Well I am sure your cat appreciated it a great deal if that's any consolation.

    Next time tie a ribbon or string on a stick for the kitty. Now that's always hillarious! :D

    No such thing as too sappy when that's what feels better. Just run with it, dude…


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