until I fuck it up . . . again

I separate Me from My mind.

Hey now! I'm not liking this, and it doesn't happen all the time. It is a standard approach of my consciousness though. It's always how I think about me when I'm thinking about me at all.

When I'm not thinking about me, I'm being me, and that's far more preferable until I fuck it up and get married again, or ignore the importance of a lease agreement or somethin'. Then I've no idea how I could've made such a conscious decision. I knew as I was considering it in my future that bankruptcy was possibly inevitable if I lost conscious awareness of the importance of my financial decision making. It's like I am/was going to fail because it ever was/is a possibility, thus probable.

So, it's funny. It almost does seem like I'm proud of being crazy for real whereas everyone says we're all crazy, yet I'm not that crazy even so.

Why is - quite uncomfortably - the first reaction my thoughts experience as emotionally trigured. How may indeed be the knowledge which would've helped me avoid consciously doing whate'er got me into trouble this time, but I'm tragically overwhelmed by the idea that I am broken and that merely by thinking about the possible, it became the de facto likelyhood of how completely freakin' Silly* I can consciously be.

Even though I always experience things as me, I fairly well still seem to have that childhood habit of thought which is me thinking here it goes, I'm fucking it up now. I can't stop it though. It's what I have to do" and the whole time I'm wonderin' why and how it could happen that I'm doing something that I simply don't want to do but to which I can see no other alternative at that moment.

Good. I'm posting this.

Now if I can just find a Psychiatrist who cares about psychology and wants to see his patient grow out of whatever patterns of habitualized emotion controlled conscious decision making actionsssssssssssssssssssssssssss God is fuckin' dead already. Yet the tenets I absorbed on love and family and friends and my abilities during my experiences (and later evaluations of same) are those which survive in the person it created. I still haven't shook the self that was created over years thinking and feeling how I did through to adulthood.

I feel like l'm gonna be 14 come my 41rst birthday. Either that or 10,000, and I don't know which is worse.

Which is worse because I'm not even able to consider which is better.

This Shrinker of Heads must be able to help me get my mind under my conscious control alone (for the most part I'll assume. {-; ) Shit's gonna happen to me. I need to minimize that which happens by my conscious intent.

And that in part means not ending this by saying "Duhhhh . . . "

How smart do you have to be to not kick a person who is kickin' themself? How moral?

* Stupid STupID STUPid.

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