"Freak and Freeze"

This will be brief (and OY so personal...)

What frequently happens inside my mind when I want to do anything fun for me, is that I feel ashamed. I get emotionally distressed and my thinking goes fuzzy. I Freak and Freeze my activities.

This is because some (very specific) things I have wanted to do, since my earliest childhood, have either been actually shameful (hurtful to myself and/or others) or culturally shameful.* This has almost always caused me to lose interest quite quickly in my own practical desires. ie, the things which are in front of me to do for my own benefit.

Frankly, this sucks.

The good news is, of course, that I've finally come to terms with it.

With that in mind, I'm returning to my most recent Psychotherapist; the one I was seeing when I committed my life to this last male-female relationship. My experience with this man was incredibly beneficient to both my understanding of my motivations and, yes, my self-esteem, but as I became more intertwined emotionally with my soon-to-be-X wife, I gradually became more tentative in sharing all of my thoughts with him. I slowly slid down to the conclusion that I couldn't trust him with my intentions because he would only try to help me see my decisions more clearly and unemotionally, thus causing me to make the decision to end that relationship.**

Again with the Oy!

If this particular PT is no longer available, or for any reason he declines to work with me, I'll find a new one of his quality and caliber. I've been down this kind of road enough to the characteristics of a Therapist which are most important and efficacious to my personal development. I am very determined to get me right; again.

And I'm still alive so I still desire a Life!



* Ie, no one is really hurt but some irrational moire is being transgressed so the effect from my emotional and behavioural authorities (Parents, RCC School teachers, etc.) is that something wrong has been done. And been done by me! Since this started, at the latest (and as far as I can recall,) when I was 5 years old, I've long been intellectually aware that I bear no responsibility for the earliest of these desires/occurrences.

That's the difference between "knowing" and "doing" though: emotionality. It doesn't matter that I know a thing was not my fault or responsibility. I feel as if it is.

** My best friend at the time was also left behind because of the quality of her being a her. {sigh} I've recently reconnected with her somewhat and, to my amazement, she is holding no grudge and would like to platonically pick up where we left off. I've really got to start appreciating my luck (of which I maintain we make our own) and my friends much more emphatically. I deserve it.


So much for brevity... LOL!

{sigh}