So I'm Not a Father ...

A lot of good folks aren't. It weighs on me at times because it's one of those things, passin' on yer genes, that are really our only means of attaining immortality.

Suffering depression is not my idea of heroism or virtue. It is simply something I go through because of events in my past and the ways I dealt with those at the times they occurred. It's physiological and wouldn't have befallen me if circumstances of my life had been different. But there you have it. Here I am. What's done is gone and I live with the consequences because I choose to keep living.

Maybe I will get past the misery and self-loathing that seem to pop up out of nowhere or which are an apparent inevitability whenever I'm feeling particularly happy about something going right for me, like the recent First Outstanding I received on my Employee Appraisal at my job of the last 8 years. After the review with my supervisor (thanks Neil, I couldn't have worked there 8 years if you weren't such a great guy to work with and for! {butkiss} LOL!) I got totally bummed. I mean to where all I could think of was taking a couple of days off so that I could just sleep and forget about everything I wasn't doing or going to do or think about my family of Boo and SunnyD and me cuz we're not a family anymore and ...

{sigh}

Yesterday, Saturday, was Ashley's 12th birthday. I'll drop off a couple of her gifts on Monday after work cuz her mom just started a new job this past week and is tired and, well, blah blah blah... LOL! Boo's at her Dad's house today so tomorrow after work it is.

This is her 3rd B-Day since I met her Mom. I liked the kiddo right away but I know it took her a while to get used to me. The fact that she and I became such good buds, and particularly how we did it by being honest and respectful of one another, is one of those things that reassures me that I really am a good person. That I really can be a good father.

I don't know if we'll drift apart. I, sadly, imagine it to be likely since there is neither any reason nor any way for me to be a part of her Mom's life and therefor not much chance to be a part of hers for a whole lot longer. I hope she will always know how much I care for her; for what she makes of her life and what the future holds in store for her. How wonderful a kid she totally and completely is. No matter with whom (if anyone) I manage to find Love and Happiness in my future, I'll always consider my Boogrrrl my eldest daughter. When I get so depressed I just don't care about anything, I promise that I'll try to remember that she may need someone else to lean on someday. I told her that I'll be there if she ever does. I can't be a liar, even if she never does.

Anyhow, all this maudlin ramblin' was precipitated by a saddening but beautiful post of a wonderful author name of amba at AmbivaBlog who's beyond her child-bearing years. Ambivalence? Yah. I know about ambivalence.

It's recommended reading if you're like me and occasionally find inspiration from the lives of others.

Thanks to the Mighty Middle, not just for the link to Amba's site, which he supplied within his own story of hectic travel and family, er, fun. But for reminding me (as I need over and over and over and over) that "if only"s about the past don't have any potential for resolution.
The way I think the game is played is that you live your little life in a sort of matrix formed by DNA and environment, free will and random chance. You're young and then not so much. You're healthy, and not, and healthy again, and sick all over. Sometimes you make smart moves, and sometimes it's like you're throwing the game. Things go well, things fall apart. Life goes from good to bad and back to good. Then, eventually you die and it's game over. No one thing, not even something as big and important as children, makes your life good. Heredity, environment, your own decisions, and sheer dumb luck are always in play. You can't pull your life apart and say "I wish I had done this, and wish I had avoided that." Your life is too complicated. It's a house of cards. We do not have, and cannot ever have, enough information to look back over our lives and say if only . . .
Happy Sunday y'all. We got another week comin'.

And for that I'm glad.

Comments

  1. Michael, what a touching post! I firmly believe the difference a caring adult can make in a child's life, especially with the type of positive relationship that you describe. You sound like a father whether you are legally one or not.

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  2. Thanks FTM. I miss 'em both but will follow my X's lead for the most part.

    Great story about your trip to the ER btw! That kiddo of yours sure is a trooper alright! And I'll remember that "thumb squeeze" distraction. Niiiice... lol!

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  3. that's what makes a wonderful parent, one that puts the child's needs first. By "following the X's lead" I hear you saying is that you aren't going to stress out your Boo so you can try to make yourself happy. Very sweet.

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  4. Oy! lol! & {sigh}

    It's hard though. I had that very desire this evening and - yah, proudly - I didn't succumb.

    We went out to Target for a game for her birthday It was a specific 'puter game and I just wasn't sure that no one else had gotten it for her, so waited to do so myself. We were goofin' and I told her I missed her and got "stupid" and said "Are you glad I'm not around t' bug ya all the time?" and she got stern (not like her At All! lol!) and told me "don't even go there."

    Man how I wanted to ask her if she wished I could come back but I didn't. I wanted to ask if she thought her Mom might change her mind and ask me back in. But, instead, I just laughed (and cringed) and said "I know. I know! lol!" We had a great time just shoppin' and goofin'. It's already enough of her problem w/o me tryin' make her a go-between. So I haven't and won't.

    It was freakin' hard talkin' with her mom about stuff though. It felt as if nothing's different and we're still a couple. But the problem was never us not being friends or anything... I just got to Let it go. Let it go.

    Love stinks! Yep. Uh huh. Yeppers...

    Thanks again for the pick-me-up FTM. Love doesn't stink. Just situations that are unworkable do.

    I've gotten thru such before. I will this time too.

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  5. Hi, Michael. Isn't the blogosphere strange? I remember you from a couple of weeks ago, but of course we don't actually know each other. And yet this morning I find myself here, reading this post about your personal life, and moved to tears.

    Love is so hard. The end of love is so hard. We've all been through it, haven't we? I guess I just want to say thank you for the poignant post and I truly wish you the best.

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