and forever again

I don't want to
but I do
so
at least for now I accept it
I move forward
though not yet on

and something always
brings me down
back to a void
with my name on it
in gold and platinum
wanting silver for its mane

I ask the questions
but I leave
before the answers can make sense
to me
to who I want to be
after I reason out my fears
right now it's okay

Calligraphic are my thoughts
and beautiful to think
and see
but never to fully comprehend their reasons
though, I should know by now,
that isn't as important as
the getting there

Psychotropic is my spiel
or so it does appear from
your reaction to it
the reflections in your eyes
as they look away
and try to make it back to mine
because, I know,
you really do care

If ever you're in this neighborhood again
drop on in
let me know or just stop by
my door is locked but
it only takes a second
for the tumblers to fall
in the right way
to let you in

I don't know
I think I know
I am just not ready yet
to let you in
again
and again
and forever again
until you are finally comfortable
with being where we may yet go.


Note: I've only a few things which I'm good at speaking on. Political motives and sociological inevitabilities are two which appear to be the most useless but fulfilling for me.

And I understand people. Not persons all to often. At least not until any risk or benefits to my life they represent might be no longer available. I've taken, and will always continue to take risks with people I think are worth it. I'm the Judge of me. I'm the Judge of everything I see. Of everyone. I think I just don't understand how very few people seem to realize that not one of us, not me, nor you, nor anyone, can be the executioner as well. Any sentence we adjudicate can only be executed upon ourselves. No matter how much it may truly effect any others' lives. Any other's life.

I Judge me wanting. And am good with what I'm doing to remediate my lacks.

It's all good right now. It'll be better sooner rather than later, now. :)

L8